How it Starts: Pregnancy and Why I made This Blog.


Two people bumping in the sheets.
kidding. We all know how babies are made.
This time last year I was already pregnant but I didn’t know it, I wouldn’t know until the end of April.
I spent most of this month in denial, I couldn’t be pregnant- we weren’t trying but we also weren’t being careful.
When we first found out there was no excitement. It was pretty much an “awe fuck” moment. What would we do? I had considered an abortion, but after a day and some research I decided against it.
By time I went to the doctors I was already 8 weeks or maybe it was  10 weeks pregnant. I didn’t have any morning sickness, at all. Actually, all around it was a smooth pregnancy.
My midwife was surprised and kept making it seem like there should be something wrong. Perhaps it was my lack of questions, but in my defense this is was my first and I had no idea what to ask (plus Im really good at researching-hellooo google!).
During the genetic screening test, I had tested positive for possible Down Syndrome. If you or someone you know has had this testing done they tell you they have a lot of false positives. With that in mind I denied any further testing to find out.I didn’t care, my little one was still mine no matter what.
Because of this positive though, around the 7th month I had to go in twice a week for NST (non stress test) and then once a week for an ultrasound. I was at the doctors a lot,way too much. The midwives were great though so I didn’t mind. I ended up looking forward to going. Who doesn’t love a comfy recliner?!
By the end of this pregnancy I was fucking done, I was tired with cankles. I was cranky and impatient. It was cold,I was hot. And this little one refused to come out by her due date. I tried almost everything to get her out. Waddling my way through the mall and up and down stairs is really comical.
Midwife was going to give me to the 42 week mark but there was no way I was staying pregnant any longer. Scheduled an induction on exactly my 41 week mark.
However, because her heart rate kept going down and my blood pressure going up I was induced the day before. And let me say it loud and clear IT SUCKS! Oh my god, how it sucks. I couldn’t get out of bed, stupid machines. I was induced at 4pm by 830 the next morning my water broke but I was feeling the contractions all through the night and slept maybe an hour.
By morning, the tiredness and pain kicked up a notch and I was asking for some pain medicine… okay lots of pain medicine. The greatest relief ever! I did get an epidural  (fine i got 2) and I don’t regret it. Alright maybe a little since I was wayy too numb. Like spaghetti legs that I couldn’t feel. Was I really supposed to push a baby out when I couldn’t even feel my hooha.
Well turns out no I was not. I wasn’t dilating fast enough to keep up with her heart rate going down again and my blood pressure was going up. So emergency c section it was.
I was elated, relieved, and oh so very happy.  I know most women don’t want a c section but at that point I just wanted it to be over. If I could have walked I would have walked straight into the operating room and plopped myself down on the table.
It wasn’t as bad as I thought, I almost fell asleep (i was sooo tired and so drugged up). I didn’t feel shit, except for my body moving from them wiggling out little one. Plus I got a mini vacation of staying in the hospital a few days, woot!
We came home, we struggled for the first few days like most new parents and babies but we have survived for the last 3.5 months.
Now, after that long boring story we come to the actual conclusion. After so many weeks I’ve decided that despite loving my poetry blog I apparently have things to say about this motherhood journey that I want to share.
I’ve been thinking about it for the last couple of days and have decided fuck it lets do it and see what happens. Ill be sharing my thoughts on certain topics and just my overall life experiences being a first time mom.
Hope you enjoy.
-New Mom
Featured post

Too Attached.

I understand that a child will be attached to their parent but when will it be too much? Can it be too much or is it normal behavior that will fade overtime?

My daughter will be 4 months soon and she is extremely attached to me. I don’t mind most times because i love her and im kinda of attached too, but other times it can become annoying (maybe not the right word). 

I cant get anything done, no dishes,no laundry, cleaning or any sort? Nope. She is constantly in my arms. She falls asleep in my arms, if you try to put her down she wakes up with the “what the fuck” face. You try to put her in her chair and here comes the “bitch,please” face. Yes, she has major attitude.

When her father comes home she’ll go into his arms but can easily get pissed off with him and wants me.  We actually could lay her down on the couch, only if one of us is watching; leaves me no option because i cant leave her alone.

So all day I’m trapped holding her. The plus side is I get to netflix and catch up on my shows .

I’m hoping this phase passes by soon, little one needs to start walkings so I can put her in a walker and have her bumper cars around the house. 

– Trapped Mom 

Damn You, Bottle Warmer!

This is how you know you are a first time mom, for the last 3 months I have been using the bottle warmer wrong.

How could it take 20 minutes to warm up 2oz. I knew something was off, but then I just brushed it off as having  a shitty warmer. 

I finally got tired of it taking forever, especially with a crying baby who wanted her milk; we decided to get a new one. 

Now, this super cool one we bought had something I didnt know you could do. Fill it up with fucking water! water! why hadn’t we thought of that before? Why didn’t we read the instructions because guess what, our original warmer needed water in it! 

This whole time the warmer was missings its key component, it wasn’t shitty just incomplete. What a fool. 

Can’t believe it. We definitely need to start reading the manuals that come with things so we don’t get stuck with 2 of something. 

-Foolish Mom

Weight be Gone!

Prepregnancy I weighted 93 lbs. I was underweight for my height (5ft) I had no idea. I could have sworn I was at least 100 lbs.

During the initial doctor visit I found out my true weight. Yikes. Let me say that I hate working out. I didn’t look like i weighted 93 lbs. Its called out.of.shape. No biggie , I was happy.
Since I was under (doctors words not mine) I needed to gain a little extra for the little one. A little.
I could do that. And boy did my appetite increase, by 100. I was never a big eater but having a little foodie inside me made me compete with my 6’5 baby daddy. Lets just say I could eat him under the table.
Waist line expanded as the number on the scale kept raising. My ankles were screaming “what the fuck” at me and my pants yelled “make it stop!”
I ended up gaining 60 lbs. Yes, 60! I don’t think my knees will ever be the same or ever forgive me.
Currently, I am at 130 and I hate it. No offense to people who weight that, you probably look and feel better than I do.
I want to get down to 110. But, it has been a real struggle. Between being starved from breastfeeding and accustomed to eating everything on the plate, I cant seem to get the weight off.
I recently gave up sweets, white rice and bread (mostly). I’ve begun eating normal (okay a little more than normal) size portions. But its kind if hard when your other half is eating donuts and all the good stuff in front of you(asshole). The only thing left is to continue to fix my diet, oh and workout(yuck). Have I’ve mention how much I hate working out? because I really do.
Yesterday the baby daddy admitted he needed to go on a diet and workout, yay, he is finally getting on board for my journey.
So starting tomorrow (April 3) because who commits to something at the beginning of the month we will jump on this weight loss craze. I will find it in me to workout ( sigh) and I will eat healthier (double sigh) Haha, i may be a bigger baby than my actual baby.
Wish me luck!
-Reluctant Mom.

The First Fall: Accidents Happen.

It broke my heart.

It was as if my heart had fallen out of my chest and shattered into a million pieces.
I felt horrible. Terrible. Unbelievable bad. Was I already proving I was a bad mother?
I had put her down on the couch, like we do every morning. I pumped, scheduled posts for my other blog and made funny faces and noises to her while she laid next to me.
After I was done, I gave her Sally (her favorite doll) and ran to get a bottle of water from the fridge(10 feet away)
Grace and Sally, morning wrestling match.
As soon as I grabbed the bottle I heard a thump,quickly turning around and running I heard her crying and found her under the table.
My heart stopped.
I grabbed her as fast as I could and held her tight in my arms. She was just crying and crying. Then I was crying, while walking around the room, rocking her to calm her down.
She didn’t cry for long, just long enough to put the knife in my heart. I was devastated that I had allowed her to roll off the couch and onto the floor. I checked every inch of her and nothing appeared wrong. She had calm down and had taken the boob. All was good, on the outside.
I was still a nervous wreck, who now could either hide this from her father or tell him.
I couldn’t keep it from him, so when he texted me on his break I told him; he was pissed and repeatedly told me I should have put a pillow on the side of her so it wouldn’t happen. We can clearly see which one of us is the better parent. 😒
Ultimately,we both knew it was an accident. I was already beating myself up over it, no need to throw salt in the wound. He did jokingly say a couple of things about me dropping her. But it wasn’t meant to sting; Ill never be able to let it down.
Needless to say,  pillows will be our best friend and protector of little one.
-Heartbroken Mom

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